onetrackminds | (no subject)

A lot of little things. With the viscount dead there was really no one to check Meredith's power. Resentment built up over the years and finally burst.

It seems unlikely it will be the same for-- For the Hawke I know. He doesn't share your views of her.

[That is a chilling thought indeed. What would this Hawke, who sided with the Templars over the mages, over his own sister, have done to Anders once the Chantry had been utterly decimated? Hawke had no doubt Anders would have found a way to plant the explosives there even without his help - probably would have had to, from what Anders had told him of their relationship. Anders had invited his own death once his actions had been revealed; Hawke had refused to oblige him. Would this other Hawke...?]

[No. He wasn't going to think about it. He wasn't even going to speculate. He refused to imagine a reality, any reality, where he would willingly murder the man beside him.]

Then he is blind as well as a fool.

Edited 2012-10-25 05:54 (UTC)

I worked hard to convince him. That is why I need to be there.

[He's not aware of the consequences, or even what his own actions will be; not yet. And maybe it's cold to outright state he'd rather return to this other Hawke right now, instead of staying with the one that wishes to be his friend, but that is still a difficult concept to grasp.

And Anders has always had a one track mind; he dedicated his life to his cause. He will never be able to give it up.]

If you say I can achieve all that, then I will have to find a way, even if I do end up working alone.

But you did achieve it.

[...Ugh, this...time gap, or break in memories, or whatever, is confusing.]

To be honest, I don't think things will go much differently for him, even if his sympathies lie with the Templars. My efforts to guide the flow of events that sprang up from that confrontation amounted to basically nothing, in the end.

The templars would have put up a fight. And if he sides with them--

[he doesn't want to imagine fighting Hawke; he wants to imagine the templars winning even less.]

There's nothing I can do now, and that's what frustrating me. I dedicated my life to this.

The mages would not make it easy for them. Did not.

[He sits up from his slouch, raising a hand to place on Anders' shoulder after a brief moment of hesitation.]

You always work far too hard. Instead of using this as another opportunity to fret, I wish you would use it as a chance to tend to yourself, for a change.

[the touch surprises him. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but it only emphasises the strangeness of the situation.]

How can I not fret, when we've been told our world was destroyed?

[He almost expected Anders to shrug his hand off, but he didn't...so Hawke takes that as his cue to squeeze the other mage's shoulder encouragingly.]

Tell yourself that, for the moment, there's nothing we can do about it. We can figure things out once we've had a chance to recover. Neither of us is going to do anybody any good at all if we don't pause to catch our breaths.

[he's going to allow himself to selfishly enjoy that touch, for now. For now Hawke is his friend, even if it's not because he finally convinced him of his side.]

You're right in that there's nothing I can do, but in that case, what exactly should I be doing now? And don't answer with 'get yourself drunk'.

Get yourself laid?

[he nearly laughs at that, because he should have expected it by now. Besides, he already did that.]

Just spend every day in bed, then? That's your advice?

Not all day.

Are you turning into Isabela?

[He'll pause to scratch his chin before answering that]

No, I'm still me.

It's not entirely bad advice, although Justice might not forgive me for a while.

You're always taking care of others, but you never take care of yourself.

[Oh, oops, his hand sure is still on Anders' shoulder, isn't it? He'll just give one more encouraging sort of squeeze before removing it, then.]

From the way you talk, Justice won't be happy until you've worked yourself into an early grave.

[And Hawke does not approve of this idea at all. JSYK. :|]

He is Justice. Did you expect him to enjoy parties and sleeping in late in the mornings?

[Though Anders still does prefer sleeping late, he just rarely, if ever, has the chance anymore. And he glances at Hawke's hand as he removes it, wondering about the timing.]

I suppose there are a few things we can never agree on, even in a version of Thedas where we are friends.

Not even the best of friends agree on everything all the time.

[He sighs]

I don't like your arrangement with Justice because of what it does to you. You never relax, you rarely have fun, you can't rest. What sort of friend would I be if that didn't worry me?

I am an apostate and a Grey Warden. Even without Justice, few options are available to me. But I chose to work with Justice.

[the lack of disgust on Hawke's face when they discuss this is new, that much he has to admit.]

...You were always the one whose understanding I sought the most.

I may not be a Grey Warden, but I am an apostate, and I still know how to relax.

[...That admission from Anders breaks his heart. Growing up, he had wondered from time to time what his life would have been like if he had been born without magic. As an adult he had wondered less, but it was still a thought that crossed his mind on occasion. But if this was where such a life would have lead him, insensitive to the plight of mages, unsympathetic towards his own sister, and outright cruel to the man he had come to love over all others...then he wanted nothing to do with such a life.]

[He's grown out of practice hiding his feelings from Anders over the years. In front of others, bringing out the blasé, sarcastic Hawke is second nature. With Anders, his feelings are pretty much an open book. ~~Although whether or not Anders can read that book is another question entirely.~~]

I have always sought to understand.

[Anders might not be experienced at reading Hawke like this, but that statement makes him stop. It makes it impossible to continue arguing; or be angry at him at all. At the same time, though, it is still so much in contrast to what he is used to, he's not quite sure how to react. He should be happy, most likely.]

It might have been different with a friend on my side.

[It's so easy to give into Justice and his own anger, when he faces oppression and distrust from even the people he fights alongside. But it is also difficult to simply reconsider now; is he supposed to simply let go of everything his years as an apostate has taught him? He doubts he's even capable, not to mention he doesn't want to.]

I suppose I still expect to see a sword, not a staff, on your back.

Then consider it different beginning now.

[That's Hawke's hand back on your shoulder, Anders.]

[He laughs a short, sharp burst of laughter at the staff vs sword remark, though.]

I hate to even imagine what Carver would say if I traded my staff for a sword.

[It's easier to pretend his little brother is still alive out there, somewhere; he's already buried his father, mother, and sister; he doesn't want to add his last family member to that list (Uncle Gamlen doesn't count).]

[this time, Anders lifts his own hand to place on top of Hawke's, lost as to how else he can show his appreciation for this.]

Then I'll do my best to have fun at least five minutes a day.

[yes, that's a joke. Sort of. Sometimes it's hard to find time for even that, but it's not like he's got any other plans in this strange city. There's not even a clinic to run.

He's not sure how to respond to the comment about Carver, though. He never knew him.]

Try it sometime and you'd find out.

[He seriously has to stop himself from kissing Anders, then. After all they've talked about, he knows that probably won't go over well...but it's hard. So instead he'll force himself to be content with Anders' hand on his, shove his desire for more to one side in order to grin at Anders' weak attempt at a joke, and remark on that instead.]

Why Anders, was that a joke? I'm sure you can do better than that; if you're going to make it all the way to five, at least aim for ten.

[He smiles.]

I'd have to do it before he met Hawke. He'd be so busy complaining about us stealing his twin schtick he wouldn't have time to notice anything else.

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