onetrackminds | (no subject)

I am an apostate and a Grey Warden. Even without Justice, few options are available to me. But I chose to work with Justice.

[the lack of disgust on Hawke's face when they discuss this is new, that much he has to admit.]

...You were always the one whose understanding I sought the most.

I may not be a Grey Warden, but I am an apostate, and I still know how to relax.

[...That admission from Anders breaks his heart. Growing up, he had wondered from time to time what his life would have been like if he had been born without magic. As an adult he had wondered less, but it was still a thought that crossed his mind on occasion. But if this was where such a life would have lead him, insensitive to the plight of mages, unsympathetic towards his own sister, and outright cruel to the man he had come to love over all others...then he wanted nothing to do with such a life.]

[He's grown out of practice hiding his feelings from Anders over the years. In front of others, bringing out the blasé, sarcastic Hawke is second nature. With Anders, his feelings are pretty much an open book. ~~Although whether or not Anders can read that book is another question entirely.~~]

I have always sought to understand.

[Anders might not be experienced at reading Hawke like this, but that statement makes him stop. It makes it impossible to continue arguing; or be angry at him at all. At the same time, though, it is still so much in contrast to what he is used to, he's not quite sure how to react. He should be happy, most likely.]

It might have been different with a friend on my side.

[It's so easy to give into Justice and his own anger, when he faces oppression and distrust from even the people he fights alongside. But it is also difficult to simply reconsider now; is he supposed to simply let go of everything his years as an apostate has taught him? He doubts he's even capable, not to mention he doesn't want to.]

I suppose I still expect to see a sword, not a staff, on your back.

Then consider it different beginning now.

[That's Hawke's hand back on your shoulder, Anders.]

[He laughs a short, sharp burst of laughter at the staff vs sword remark, though.]

I hate to even imagine what Carver would say if I traded my staff for a sword.

[It's easier to pretend his little brother is still alive out there, somewhere; he's already buried his father, mother, and sister; he doesn't want to add his last family member to that list (Uncle Gamlen doesn't count).]

[this time, Anders lifts his own hand to place on top of Hawke's, lost as to how else he can show his appreciation for this.]

Then I'll do my best to have fun at least five minutes a day.

[yes, that's a joke. Sort of. Sometimes it's hard to find time for even that, but it's not like he's got any other plans in this strange city. There's not even a clinic to run.

He's not sure how to respond to the comment about Carver, though. He never knew him.]

Try it sometime and you'd find out.

[He seriously has to stop himself from kissing Anders, then. After all they've talked about, he knows that probably won't go over well...but it's hard. So instead he'll force himself to be content with Anders' hand on his, shove his desire for more to one side in order to grin at Anders' weak attempt at a joke, and remark on that instead.]

Why Anders, was that a joke? I'm sure you can do better than that; if you're going to make it all the way to five, at least aim for ten.

[He smiles.]

I'd have to do it before he met Hawke. He'd be so busy complaining about us stealing his twin schtick he wouldn't have time to notice anything else.

Eight minutes, and that's my final offer.

[He does still joke sometimes, okay, it's just that serious matters take priority. You should have joined him before he accepted Justice's offer, Hawke, he was at least as sarcastic as you.]

...He doesn't sound at all like Bethany.

[who was incredibly nice, incredibly strong, and incredibly understanding. It's a bit sad to think of her as the one being dead, in Hawke's version of Thedas.]

I guess I'll take what I can get. It's a deal.

[Hawke would love to have met Anders before he'd taken on Justice. Alas, circumstances.]

...No, he's not. The fact that they were born twins was pretty much the only thing they had in common.

[he pauses]

Had. Have? Maker, this is confusing...

[Without Carver here, Hawke isn't sure if he should be speaking in the past or present tense. Passive-aggressive little shite though he is, Hawke loves his brother, and the idea of him being dead along with the rest of his family is not one he wants to entertain.]

Edited 2012-10-27 17:42 (UTC)

Are you going to be checking up on me to make sure I don't forget?

[He's teasing now, although to be honest, he doesn't think he'd mind if Hawke did. Or at least, used it as an excuse to drop by.]

Have. [he's firm when he says it.] It's not like you to give up on someone so soon.

[And he's not willing to give up on Bethany yet, either. Not to mention everyone else he's ever considered a friend.]

I certainly will be, now that you've suggested it.

[He'd be checking up on Anders anyway, regardless. Because that's just how he rolls.]

Maybe under normal circumstances, but this is...[pretty clearly not normal]

...You're right, though. Thank you.

Then I'll schedule eight minutes of fun before your visits.

[instead of having that fun with Hawke. ~~That's a bonus~~]

I remember Bethany being alive. Doesn't that mean there's a chance both of them will show up?

[Anders isn't usually an optimist, but it's a fair point, in his opinion. And maybe he'd like to continue building their friendship; giving him hope seemed like a good way to do so.]

Make sure to keep detailed reports when you do, then.

[Hawke figures there will be bonus fun when he shows up - in fact, he will make sure that there is - so that's why he doesn't protest.]

That would be incredible. To have such a chance...

[For all that Bethany's been dead for over seven years now, the pain of her death is still raw. The combination of maternal blame and self-flagellation is a potent one, and one ill-qualified for the healing of old wounds.]

Are you trying to turn the fun into something boring again?

[He might like writing manifestos, but that is not the same as reports, okay.]

Besides, there's some things it's just not polite to share.

[As if he does much of that anymore. He's mostly just teasing, although he really wouldn't share details like that.]

I'm sure she'll show up. She can be as determined as you.

You always seem to prefer more serious pursuits. I thought it might help to balance things out.

[Side-glance and eyebrow raise go here. Was that an innuendo he just heard? And Anders was just accusing Hawke of turning into Isabela!]

Although that's unfair. Some things are even more fun shared.

[The implication here being that said things should definitely be shared with Hawke.]

I'll take that as a compliment.

Serious, not meaningless.

[There's a huge difference, okay. And please, even he can use innuendo every once in a while.]

In that case, you're probably talking to the wrong person.

[Anders doesn't share, okay. Or well, sometimes he doesn't. When he decides he doesn't want to.]

You should.

If you're enjoying yourself and it makes you happy, then it's not meaningless.

[Anders, you are no fun sometimes.]

[...Also, ouch. Should Hawke take that to mean Anders isn't interested? They're talking in extremely vague terms here, but that sure is what it sounded like...]

[This is where he retreats into sarcasm because he doesn't want to deal with that thought. At all.]

I thought you were worried about inflating my ego?

Which is why I'm not doing a single report.

[He is absolutely no fun ever, didn't you get the memo? At least, that's what people usually tell him.]

I think it's already too late for that.

Alright, fine. Can I at least join you sometimes, then?

[Hawke thinks he's fun! Sometimes. Usually between the sheets. >.>]

There's always room to inflate it a little more.

Anytime you want.

[as if Anders could ever say no to him.]

Are you fishing for more compliments?

Good. I'll be sure to take you up on that.

[...Okay, maybe his chances aren't shot all to hell after all? He hopes? Baby steps, Hawke, baby steps.]

I don't know. Do you have any more to give?

[Look at this charming asshole, Anders. You know you could just compliment him all the time~]

Although I haven't been staying in this room a lot. You're lucky I was here today.

[just a warning, because he really would like to do something with Hawke.]

Too many. I've always been impressed by you.

[...flirting!!!]

I haven't been in mine much, either. [Sleeping is hard with his thoughts occupied by news or at least rumors of Thedas being gone + lack of warm Anders beside him to steal blankets from.] Where do you spend most of your time, then? So I know where to find you.

[oh, flirting! Hawke likes this game. He kind of wants to ask how Anders could still be impressed with him considering he's used to Hawke's asshole doppelganger, but he also...doesn't want to talk about that douchebag. For multiple reasons.]

Oh, always? Is there anything specific that stands out? My wit? My charm? My manly good looks?

[Hawke. Hawke, stop.]

I've been exploring. This city is enormous. [pause.] I suppose we could explore together soon.

[Only if Hawke wants, though, but he does seem pretty determined to spend time with Anders. Still, the option to say no is quite clearly still written on his face.]

It's the combination that amazes me.

I'd like that.

[He'll like it even more if Anders doesn't mention Nate again. Not that he has anything against Nate. But. You know, he wants some alone-time with the man.]

Oh? Overwhelming, is it?

[Tell him more, Anders~]

I'll knock on your door before I leave.

[nope, not mentioning anyone else this time. Actually, Anders is expecting Hawke to be the one to bring others along. Despite the flirting. Speaking of which--]

...I'm sorry. I should know better than to go there.

[he looks away instead. He really should know, by now, but it's so easy t forget in the moment.]

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