onetrackminds | (no subject)

More what I didn't. [Maker, she actually sounds serious about it too.] I've just had a lot of time to think--which is a dangerous pasttime for me, I know--and...

[She sighs, runs a hand through her hair, and has to clench her hands up to keep from fidgeting further.] You were right. And you're only hearing that once, so enjoy it.

You don't need to tell me to enjoy that. [although his expression is still mostly confused. Hawke, please, start at the beginning for once.] Although I'm still not sure what you're talking about.

You being right. Blast, now I've said it twice. [She smirks, though it's a hollow half-smile with no real heart. She doesn't necessarily mind being the one in the wrong, even her ego doesn't stretch so far, but getting to the point where she can be open about her mistakes is a long stretch of road. And even then, there's the obligation of not breaking down because she's a damned living pillar. Vulnerability is not an easy thing to learn.]

I ended up speaking with one of the other mages here. Or wizards. Or--whatever they want to call themselves, I can hardly keep up anymore. Anyway, after a rather dramatic display and some discussion about pitchforks--I wouldn't be surprised if they still used pitchforks--I...

[Hawke, it's the moment of truth. Either commit and be done with it, or flounce and look like a fool. Though it's not much of a choice.]

I've been looking at this wrong, and I'm sorry.

[he watches her for a moment, and the truth is, he's still kind of confused. But she also looks so serious, despite the attempted smirk.]

I thought you were already on my side in this. You're a mage-- [oh wait.] Is this about what I'm going to do again?

[Which he's been trying not to think about. The fact that he's actually been sort of happy with Hawke has helped, but it's not an easy fact to ignore. And he's not actually proud of the fact, either.]

Of course I am. But I haven't--been as supportive as I should have. [It is, in part. It's really about the whole situation leading up to it; in hindsight, she'd been rather willingly blind about it, shirking off the manifesto as something he did to fill time (she thought she'd heard it all before, after all), or ignoring the fact that he was getting visibly more tense, even before Justice's grand turning point.] It's not just that, but yes. You might call it a rude awakening. Though I might opt more for the point being a maul crashing into my face. Either way, the point's rather blunt.

[His brow furrows even more as he tries to follow that. It doesn't help that he wasn't there for the time she's referring to - or at least, he hasn't lived it yet. He almost feels as if this apology is meant for someone else.]

I don't think anyone can expect support for that. [if he doesn't support himself ~~yet~~, how can he expect it of her?] From what you've told me, I killed a lot of innocent people.

But is it really still innocence when they see everything that's happened, and stand up to do nothing at all? [She nudges him.] That idea isn't mine though, I must have heard that somewhere...

[It couldn't be a manifesto. Surely not.]

[He looks a little surprised at that.]

You actually read it. And you paid attention? [no one ever listens, it feels like, but--]

I don't think I can judge people for not doing anything. I never used to. [he sounds almost a little too sober as he says it.] And in that case, how do I know when I've gone too far?

Isn't that what the voice in your head is for? [It's not an entirely serious question, and she chuckles a bit as she asks it, but the mood soon shifts back to the serious solemnity the conversation calls for--she can be serious, sometimes.]

Anyway, isn't that the point? You learned, can't they? And going "too far" is really up to how you define that, isn't it? [So she's giving him quite a bit of leeway. Probably more than she should, and certainly more than most anyone who knows either of them would allow without disparaging comment. But she's slowly coming to realize that he has more of a point than the immediacy and shock of the situation had allowed for when it happened, and in trying to rationalize it to him, she's doing the same herself. It's an extreme measure to be sure; at least on that front they both agree. But is it actually wrong, or only seemingly wrong because of that extreme?

And what exactly does that say for Hawke for allowing it to happen? Does this make her an accomplice (even if it hasn't happened for Anders yet)? Was anyone in that Chantry actually "innocent"? Was it a necessary sacrifice?

She's not sure she can answer all that, or if she'll ever really be able to. But it's not something she's willing to fault Anders for in entirety; there had to have been some reason, some logic to it.]